30th Birthday

    It was my 30th birthday and I wasn't feeling too great when I woke up that morning.
    I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me.
    She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone "Happy Birthday."
    I figured, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
    When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday."
    I felt a little better - at least someone had remembered.
    I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
    I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
    We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
    On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
    After arriving at her apartment, she smiled at me and said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
    Mad at my wife for forgetting about my birthday, not to mention that Janet was quite beautiful, I felt justified in staying. "Sure," I excitedly replied.
    She went into the bedroom and, after a few minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.
    They were all singing Happy Birthday... and there I sat on the couch... naked.

Chicken Gitmo

    The former chef of the White House has written a tell-all book.
    For example, he says that Dick Cheney, Vice President, his favorite dish is a dish called Chicken Gitmo.
    It's chicken bound and gagged on a bed of rice.
    -David Letterman

 

Rabies

    The tough businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. The medical practitioner examined him and backed away, saying:
    "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal."
    "Could you give me a pen and paper?" said the businessman.
    "Do you want to write your will?"
    "No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."

 

Neighbors wife

    One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door.
    He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts.
    He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.
    Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.
    "Excuse me," the man stammered, "But I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."
    "Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
    "Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."
    The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
    "OK," the husband says gruffly, "For ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts."
    At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy.
    This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.
    "I can't," replies our awe-struck man, still nuzzling away.
    "Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
    "I don't have ten thousand dollars."

 

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Elf with a small.

    A male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could
    never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love
    with a elf nurse.
    One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft
    music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of
    his problem.
    "Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."
    Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots
    smaller than that."
    "Really?" the relieved elf asked.
    She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."

Morning sickness

    The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee, her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.
    "What's wrong ?" she asked.
    The friend told her that she had "morning sickness".
    Surprised the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant."
    "I'm not." the harried young woman replied. "I'm just sick of mornings."

Perfect golf shot

    A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity.
    He was driving his partner nuts, as he looked up, looked down, measured the distance, figured the wind direction and speed.
    Finally, his exasperated partner said, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
    The guy answers, "My wife's up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
    His partner mumbled, "Forget it, man, you ll never hit her from here!"

 

Best birth control

    "Do you know what the best birth control in the world is?"
    "No."
    "That's right."

Fishing terms

    Fishing Terms Explained
    HOOK:
    (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish.
    (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel.
    (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).
    LINE:
    Something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.
    LURE:
    An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.
    REEL:
    weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.
    ROD:
    An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
    SCHOOL:
    A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for leftovers instead.
    TACKLE:
    What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
    TACKLE BOX:
    A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit.
    Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.
    Your friends can gauge the number of Band Aids you need by the number of times you use the four lettered word... it begins with F and isn't fish!
    TEST:
    (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range.
    (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

 

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Excess weight

    "Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked the patient.
    "I just can't seem to lose the weight," the patient said. "Must be an overactive thyroid."
    "The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal," the doctor said. "If anything is overactive, it's your fork."

Estimated Tax

Enclosed is your United States Internal Revenue service Tax Form 1040-ES OCR "Estimated Tax For Self-Employed Individuals." You may use this form to estimate your previous year's tax if:
    1. You are the head of a household and the sum of your spouse and dependents, minus the ages of qualifying pets (see Schedule 12G), is divisible by a whole number. (Use Supplementary Schedule 142C if pets are deceased but buried on your property)
    2. Your Gross Adjusted Income does not exceed your Adjusted Gross Income (except where applicable) and you did not pay taxable interest on dividend income prior to 1903.
    3. You are not claiming a foreign tax credit, except as a "foreign" tax credit. (Warning: claiming for a foreign tax credit for a foreign "tax" credit, except where a foreign"tax credit" is involved, may result in a fine of $125,000 and 25 years imprisonment)
    4. You are not one of the following: married and filing jointly; married and not filing jointly; not married and not filing jointly; jointed but not filing; other.
    INSTRUCTIONS:
    Type out all answers in ink with a number two lead pencil. Do not cross anything out. Do not use abbreviations or ditto marks. Do not misspell "miscellaneous".
    Write your name, address and social security number, and the name, address and social security number of your spouse and dependents, in full on each page twice.
    Do not check a box designated for an "X" or put an "X" in a box designated for a check mark unless it is your wish to do the whole thing again. Do not write "Search Me" in any blank spaces. Do not make anything up.
    Complete sections 47 to 52 first then proceed to even-numbered sections and complete in reverse order.
    Do not use this form if your total pensions and annuities disbursements were greater than your advanced earned income credits or vice versa.
    Under "income", list all wages, salaries, net foreign source taxable income, royalties, tips, gratuities, taxable interest, capital gains, air miles, pints paid on and money found down the back of the sofa.
    If your earnings are derived wholly, or partially but not primarily, or wholly and partially but not primarily from countries other than the United States.
    (If uncertain, see USIA Leaflet 212W, "Countries That Are Not The United States") or your rotated gross income from Schedule H was greater than your earned income credit on non-taxable net disbursements, you must include a Grantor/Transferor Waiver Voucher.
    Failure to do so may result in a fine of $1,500,000 and seizure of a child.
    Under Section 890f, list total farm income (if none give details). If you were born after January 1, 1897, and are not a widow(er), include excess casualty losses and provide carry over figures for depreciation on line 27iii.
    You must list number of turkeys slaughtered for export. Subtract, but do not deduct, net gross dividends from pro rata interest payments, multiply by the total number of steps in your home and enter on line 356d.
    On Schedule F1001, line c, list the contents of your garage. Include all electrical and non-electrical items on Schedule 295D but do not include any electrical or non-electrical items not listed on Supplementary Form 243d.
    Under "Personal Expenditures", itemize all cash expenditures of more than one dollar and include verification.
    If you have had dental work and you are not claiming a refund on the federal oil spill allowance, enter your shoe sizes since birth and enclose specimen shoes (Right foot only) Multiply by 1.5 or 1,319, whichever is larger, and divide line 3f by 3d.
    Under Section 912g, enter federal income support grants for the production of alfalfa, barley (but not sorghum, unless for home consumption) and okra whether or not you received any. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $3,750,000 and death by lethal injection.
    If your children are dependent but not living at home, or living at home but not dependent, or dependent and living at home but hardly ever there and you are not claiming exemption for losses of maritime vessels in excess of 12,000 tons deadweight (15,000 tons if you are military personnel based in Canada)
    You must complete and include a Maritime Vessel Exemption Form. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $111,000,000 and a nuclear attack on a small, neutral country.
    On Pages 924 through 926, Schedule D, enter the names of people you know personally who are Communist or use drugs (Use extra pages if necessary).
    If you h

Relationships

    Relationships are hard.
    It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one.
    If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
    There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
    -Bob Ettinger

Blackjack

    A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
    The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. And, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with it. So, why should I tip him?"
    The dealer replied, "When you eat out, do you tip the waiter?"
    "Yes, sure I do," responed the player.
    "Well then, he serves you food, and I'm serving you cards. So you see, you should tip me."
    "Okay, I see your point," agreed the player. "But, the waiter gives me what I ask for... I'll take an eight

New bull

    Out in the pasture one lovely summer day, three bulls complained about the rumor that their farmer had brought in another bull.
    The Alpha bull said, "You know, since we settled our differences and split up the cows, I've been pretty happy with my 100 cows. This new guy's not going to get any of my cows!"
    The second toughest bull said, "Yeah, well, since I only have 50 cows, I can't afford to share any of my cows with him either!"
    The youngest bull said, "You only gave me 10 cows. No way is he getting one of mine!"
    Just then the aforementioned new bull pranced over the hill, the biggest, baddest bovine they've ever seen. He weighed over a ton, had horns four feet long, and the Earth shook beneath his mass.
    Suddenly Alpha bull grew flexible. "Well, maybe I could spare a few cows."
    The second bull said, "I wonder if I hung out over in that far corner of the pasture he'd leave me alone?"
    But the small, teenage bull started snorting, pawing the ground, and shaking his fledgling horns in a highly confrontational manner.
    Worried about their inexperienced friend, the two older bulls said, "Listen, son, it's not worth dying for! Just give the new guy half your cows."
    "Hell, he can have them all if he wants them," said the young, snorting, pawing bull. "I just want to make sure that son'bitch knows I'm a bull!"