Apr 29, 2009

Freshman Guide to Bra Removal

OBJECTIVE
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.

WHAT YOU NEED
1) Girl with bra
2) Two functional hands
3) Common Sense

TECHNIQUES
1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"
2) MCGYVER'S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE -- An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.
3) HILTON'S LAST RESORT -- Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.

DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.

WARNING: When removing a bra you should not say the following:
1) "I really want to thank you for this."
2) "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."
3) "Do you have any cereal?"

 
 

The Joy of Christmas Cards

A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asks the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist."
 
 

Three Kinds of Bras

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife''What type of bra?' asked the clerk.'Type?' inquires the man 'There is more than one type?''Look Around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,' replied the salesclerk.Confused, the man asked what were the types.The saleslady replied 'The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?'Still confused the man asked 'What is the difference between them?'The lady responded 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mou! ntains out of mole hills.

 
 
 

It's Not For Him, Stupid

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
 
 

A redneck taped paper to his television

A redneck taped toilet paper to his television.

He said, "Hey, lookie here, now we have free paper view!"

 
 

Color Television

One day, a man walked into an appliance store.

"Do you sell color televisions?"

"Yes," said the clerk. "Yes, we do."

"Then give me a green one."

 
 

Genie

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost." They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied. "No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released! me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband! , anyway?" "Thirty-five," she replied. "And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing."
 
 

Mozart Beyond the Grave

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

 
 

Make Love To a Ghost

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" Fifteen students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further: Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this l! ecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a host." The student replies, "Ghost!? I thought you said 'goats.'"
 
 

Men at Work

Two guys work for the city: one furiously digs a hole, the other quickly fills the hole.

A confused passerby asks, "Why do you dig a hole and fill it up again?"

The digger leans on his shovel and replies, "The lazy jackass who plants the trees is sick again today."
 
 

Drunk Driver Test

A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer, I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

"Alright, we could get a blood sample."

"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."

"Fine then, just walk this white line."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."
 
 

You Must Be in the Fifth

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said. "No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."

 
 
 

Zip, Dick and Pea

There were three boys in a classroom: one named Zip, one named Dick, and one named Pea. Their teacher leaves the room for a moment, so Zip gets on top of the cupboard, Dick goes inside the cupboard, and Pee jumps around outside.

The teacher returns and yells, "Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!"
 
 

The Joy of Christmas Cards

A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asks the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist."
 
 

Three Lawayers and Three Engineers

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers."Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ! ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
 
 
 

Cat Rescue

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"

"No," she cries, "It's too far!"

"I play football. I can catch him!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.

Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and he runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one-handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.

Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
 
 

Those Intellectually Deficient Blondes

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

A: 100. One to make the batter and 99 to crack the shells on the M&Ms.

 
 

The Horse and the Chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.' And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks!
 
 

Moses Meets Dubya

George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed Moses, who didn't seem to notice him. He turned to Moses and said, "I am George W. Bush, the President of the USA, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didn't you greet me?"

Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 years!"
 
 

Stoopid Baby Names

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"

The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,

"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."

 
 

Murder by Numbers

Three men walk into a room.

Two get shot.

How many are left?

Three it's not like the two that were shot could get up and walk out!
 
 

A Fly in my Beer

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, but then held it out over the beer and yelled, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!"

 
 
 

Writing's Powerful Message

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.

When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

 
 

Bird it Through the Grapevine

Have you heard about the man who did it with a parakeet? He contracted chirpes.

And the worst thing? It was untweetable.

 
 

I want my baby back ribs

God was talking to Adam one day when Adam begins to lament. "God I'm lonely, I need a companion?" God replies, "Adam, I have the perfect person for you, she's beautiful, she's generous, and she'll be yours forever" "Adam, excited about the news begins to thank God over and over.sound great, but then stops and asks God, "Wait a minute, how much is she going to cost me?" "An arm and a leg," God replied jokingly. "That's pretty steep" said Adam, "What can I get for a rib?"
 
 

Good Deeds

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance intoHeaven?" The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarterto a homeless person on the street."Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and aftera moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true. Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quiteenough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I alsogave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back toaffirm that it was true.Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest wedo with this fellow?"Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."!
 
 

Things Just Fallin' Off

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee.
 
 

The Avon Lady

An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly hadto fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the airwith her deodorizer.Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He beganto sniff.The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?""Why, yes, I do," he replied."What does it smell like?""Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shitin a pine tree."
 
 

The I.R.S

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 and found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter: Dear IRS: Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers." Sincerely, I. Gettook Everyear


 

 
 
 

The Mystery of Childbirth

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."

"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"

"Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."

The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
 
 

The Scent of an Old Woman

A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."

On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."

The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."
 
 

Making Puppies

A man and his son were walking down the street one day. They saw two dogs having sex in a yard. The son asked his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?" Thinking fast, the father said, "Well, son, they are making puppies." Every thing was okay for a couple of days. Then, one afternoon, the father was making love to his wife when the son walked in. The son asked, "Daddy, what are you doing?" Thinking fast, the father said, "We're making you a baby brother." The son thought for a moment, then said, "Well, roll her over, daddy, I'd rather have a puppy!"
 
 

You shouldn\'t be doing that

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that", said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in."Yes, my son?" said the priest."Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then.""And what was that, my son?""Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man."That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the priest. "Did you take my advice?""Yes I did, Father; but the! re's only one problem.""What's that, my son?""Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"
 
 

Listening to the Ground

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy."Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.""Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."


 

 
 
 

The Irishman's Wish

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."

The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The man says, "I want two more of these."

 
 

How Do You Like That?

A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram. He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says,  Are you my daddy?  The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram. The baby says again,  Are you my daddy?  The doctor says,  No, I'm not your father. 
They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked,  Are you my daddy?  And the father says,  Yes, I am!  So, the baby pops out of the mother's womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying,  How do you like that?! How do you like that?!
 
 

Two cannibals

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there's one.""No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough.""No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her.""No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either.""Why not?" asked the son."Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

 
 
 

Compassionate Home Leave

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.One man he passed sported an enormous erection."Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted."Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave.""Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man. "Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.A few months later, same guy, same problem.The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?""Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies."Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."


 

 
 
 

The Prognosis

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

 
 

Arm Troubles

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor't; says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor

 
 

E.T.

Q: What's E.T. short for?

A: Because he has little legs!
 
 

Take the Dogs

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.After a few hours, the nephew returned."How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle."It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"


 

 
 
 

Check the E-mail Address

A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami.

The e-mail reads:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.
 
 

The artificial insemination man

Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.She says, "This is the one, right here."The man says, "How do you know?"Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."The man says, "What's the nail for?"Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."