Father's Day Product Placement

On Father's Day, a little boy decides to make his dad breakfast in bed. He makes scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. He brings it into his dad, hands him the cup of coffee and says,''Try it dad.'' The dad takes a sip and nearly passes out because it is so strong. The little boy asks,''How do you like it Dad?'' The dad doesn't want to hurt the little boy's feelings so he says, ''This is....something else, I've never tasted coffee quite like this before, Son.'' The little boy smiles from ear to ear. And says, ''Drink some more Pops.'' As the dad is drinking, he notices two army men in the bottom of the cup, and says,''Hey! Why did you put army men in here?'' The little boy again smiles and sings,''The Best Part Of Waking Up, Is SOLDIERS In Your Cup.''

The dad takes a sip and nearly passes out because it is so strong. The little boy asks,''How do you like it Dad?''

The dad doesn't want to hurt the little boy's feelings so he says, ''This is....something else, I've never tasted coffee quite like this before, Son.''

The little boy smiles from ear to ear. And says, ''Drink some more Pops.''

As the dad is drinking, he notices two army men in the bottom of the cup, and says,''Hey! Why did you put army men in here?''

The little boy again smiles and sings,''The Best Part Of Waking Up, Is SOLDIERS In Your Cup.''

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Letter of Recommendation

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be foundhard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, withoutwasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob neverthinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he alwaysfinishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extendedmeasures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffeebreaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely novanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profoundknowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can beclassified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot bedispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob bepromoted to executive management, and a proposal will beexecuted as soon as possible.Regards,Project LeaderKEEP READING...Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:Sorry, but that idiot w! as reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.Regards,Project Leader

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Scooby Dooby Dooby

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' "She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?""Why yes, I do. How did you know?"The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."

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Alexander and Kermit

Q: What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?

A: Their middle name.

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Dirtiest Thing on Television

Q: What is the dirtiest thing ever said on television?

A: "Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night."

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Fred Flintstone's Secret

Q: Why's Fred Flintstone a homosexual?

A: He's always having a gay old time.

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ivorced Barbie

Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie doll?

A: All Ken's stuff.

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Dumped by His Midget Girlfriend

Q: Why was the guy so downhearted after his midget girlfriend dumped him?

A: Because he was nuts over her.

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Happy Butt

A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, "Happy Butt."

The teacher says, "I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."

The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, "What's your name?" The little girl says, "Happy Butt."

The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."

The girl exclaims, "Glad Ass -- Happy Butt -- what's the difference?"

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Skydiving the Wrong Way

A man went skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seemed like days, he was ready to go. Excited, he jumped out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulled the ripcord. Nothing happened. He tried again. Still nothing. He started to panic, but remembered his back-up chute. He pulled that cord. Nothing happened. He frantically began yanking both cords to no avail.Suddenly he looked down, and he couldn't believe his eyes. Another man was in the air with him, but this guy was going up! Just as the other guy passed by, the skydiver yelled, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"The other guy yelled back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

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Japanese Pizza

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip. He hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place where he can get a pizza.

The concierge tells him he will call for delivery to his room and takes his order.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up. The businessman takes the pizza and starts sneezing uncontrollably.

He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "Just what you ordered -- pepper only."

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Walks Into a Bar... Pissing Contest

Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop."

The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on."

The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere -- all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up.

The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too.

"What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $1,000!"

"Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad -- you would laugh hysterically about it!"

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Locked Car

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!..."

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What We Learn From the Movies

-- It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting.-- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.-- If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.-- Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.-- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.-- After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking.-- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.-- Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.

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Meeting the Parents

A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin. He goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.

That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

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New Recruits

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers."It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied."I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?""No sir, our mother.""Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!""I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."

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New Yorkers and Light Bulbs

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. What are you -- stupid?

 

 

Sex Education

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F. "One day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second."Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"

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Friends With Hookers

Q: What do you call women who hang out with hookers?

A: Support hoes.

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Ron White: Calling Home From the Road

I call her. She tells me my dog, Sluggo, just took a dump on the new carpet. I'm like, 'Shoot him.' She goes, 'That's just like you, Ron. I have a genuine problem, and you're being sarcastic.' 'Alright, honey, I'm sorry. Put the dog on the phone. I'll talk to him.'

 

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Ron White: Walking on the Beach

If you're ever walking down the beach and you see a girl dressed in a bikini made out of seashells, and you pick her up and hold her to your ear, you can hear her scream.

 

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Ron White: Wake-Up Call

I went out last night, and I got back at the hotel at 7:30 this morning. I went up to the desk to leave a wake-up call for 7:00. The lady goes, 'Mr. White, it's past 7:00.' 'No, the next one. You got another one coming around, don't you? Why don't you just put me on that one? I hear they're running two a day through New York City.'

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Obviously Nuts

A guy goes to the psychiatrist only wearing shorts made of Glad wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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How You Know You're Drunk

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

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Dane Cook: Car Accident

I'm a little sore 'cause a couple of days back I got into a car accident -- not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault. 'Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80?!'

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Salary raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:I do physical laborI work at great depthsI plunge head first into everything I doI do not get weekends off or public holidaysI work in a damp environmentI don't get paid overtimeI work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilationI work in high temperaturesMy work exposes me to contagious diseasesDear Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:You do not work 8 hours straightYou fall asleep on the job after brief work periodYou do not always follow the orders of the management teamYou do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areasYou do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start workingYou leave the workplace ra! ther messy at the end of your shiftYou don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothingYou'll retire well before reaching 65You're unable to work double shiftsYou sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.Sincerely,The Management

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Dane Cook: Hardwood Floors

I had to sneak into my living room, and we had hardwood floors. Those floors suck for cheating because every step you take just taunts you. You know, every step you're like, 'Cheeeeater!' 'Liar!' 'Herpes, herpes, herpes!'

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Children's Books That Didn't Make It

-- Accidents Happen: The Story of YOU -- The Little Sissy Wimp Who Snitched -- Some Kittens Can Fly -- You Can Paint Anywhere! -- Where Would You Like to Be Buried? -- Bad Katy and the Mom Who Stopped Loving Her -- The Attention Deficit Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

 

A Crazy Person in the Woods

Q: How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

A: They take the psycho path.

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Things not to say to police officers

1. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.2. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?3. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!4. Are You Andy or Barney?5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.6. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?7. I pay your salary!8. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.11. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

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Walks Into a Bar... Frugal Gorilla

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.

The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.

The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."

The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."

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The Aging Explorer

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''

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Rosebuds

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that. The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate."Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

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My Greatest Sin

Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were. The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week." The third just sits there quietly.So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train."

 

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Yo Mama's So Poor

Yo mama's so poor, a cockroach crawled across the floor and I stepped on it and she said, ''Now what do we do for supper?''

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Tom Papa: Hard Liquor Stories

 

Hard alcohol is the only thing you put in your body that actually comes with a story. It's like, 'You want some tequila?' 'No, dude, the last time I had that....' It doesn't happen with anything else. 'Do you want some jelly beans?' 'No. The last time I had jelly beans, I ended up with my pants around my ankles, face down in the mall. Seriously, dude, I can't even smell the black ones. Just get them out of here.'

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Siamese Twins

Q: Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
A: So the other one could drive.

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Do yo know me?

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a! drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

 

 

Southern Hospitality in Flight

Two ladies, a Yankee and a Southern Belle, are sitting next to each other on a plane. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, "So, where y'all from?"

The Yankee replies, "I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition."

Without missing a beat, the Southern Belle bats her lashes and asks, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

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IBM and Lightbulbs

How many IBM employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10,000: one to hold up the light bulb, and 9,999 to turn the building around. Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

Job Fair

A jock and a geek applying for the same job..

The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."

So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."

The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"

"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.

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A Torah Scholar

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fianc� to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father ! questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

 

 

The Sergeant and the Cadet

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge. I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line."

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Tomato in Training

Q: What did the sergeant tomato say to the slacker soldier tomato?

A: "You better catch up!"

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Widow's future

 A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted?" 
 

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Compliments

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.

"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"

"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.

"I took your advice."

"Didn't you compliment her?"

"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."

"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.

"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress! up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."

"What did you say?"

"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

 

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Getting Forgetful

Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

 

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No Ride

A woman was driving along, and her car broke down. She decided to hitchhike to the nearest gas station. A truck driver hauling a load of chickens pulled up. The driver asked, "Hey, little lady, need a lift?" "Yes, my car broke down, and I need a ride to the nearest gas station." The driver replied, "OK, but first you have to fuck me! No fuck, no ride." She said, "I'm sorry, I don't need a ride that badly." So the driver pulled away. All this time, the driver had a parrot on his shoulder. The parrot started saying, "No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!" The driver said, "You had better shut up, bird, or I'm gonna throw you in back with the chickens!" About two miles down the road, the parrot said, "No fuck, no ride!" So the driver slammed on the breaks and threw him in back with the chickens! About 2 more miles further down the road, the driver heard sirens and saw flashing lights, so he pulled over. He got out of t! he truck and approached the officer. "What's the problem, officer. I wasn't speeding was I?" The officer said, "I wasn't pulling you over for speeding. I just wanted to inform you that you have a parrot throwing chickens out the trailer screaming, "No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!"

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The Engineer at the Golf Course

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The pastor says, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" the doctor asks.

The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a fire and that they come and play for free whenever they want.

The group is silent for a moment.

The pastor says, "That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor says, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer says, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

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$8 bill

  A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway.

He went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change.

The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

 

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Worms and Whiskey

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

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Rug Burned

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway.""Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."

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All in the Family

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed."Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?""No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely."Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun."I'm afraid I cannot, Sister.""Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed."Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun.""Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God.""Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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I\'m Waiting

Judi was startled to see the nonchalant way Jon was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man.

"You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?"

"I'm waiting," Jon said.

"Waiting for what?" asked Judi.

"Waiting to catch her with a smaller fellow."

 

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Duck Tales

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bar tender, "Got any 'gwapes'?", and the bartender replies, "No, sorry I don't sell grapes here." So the duck leaves and goes home to rest and the next day he walks into the same bar and asks the bar tender, "Got any gwapes?" The bartender replies, "No, sorry I don't sell grape here." The duck leaves and goes home to rest and the next day, he goes back to the bar and asks the bartender, "Got any gwapes?" The bartender angrily replies, "I don't want to have to tell you again, I don't sell grapes here and if you ask me again I will nail your beek to the counter of the bar!" The duck leaves and goes home to rest. The next day the duck goes to the bar and asks, "Got any nails?" The bartender looks at him and screams, "No, we don't have any nails!" The duck then asks, "Got any gwapes?"

 

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You grow up in the 80s if...

-- You learned to swim about the same time "Jaws" came out and still can't swim naked at night.

-- Prince's "1999" was the focal point of your plans for an end of the century party.

-- You dressed to emulate either Duran Duran, Poison, Madonna, Rick Springfield or Cyndi Lauper.

-- You wanted to be gagged with a spoon.

-- You had a poster of Bo, Luke & Daisy Duke.

-- There was nothing questionable about Bert and Ernie living together.

-- You dialed "867-5309" to see if Jenny would answer.

-- Your family's cable TV box had the three rows of numbers, and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.

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What not to say to a policeman

-- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

-- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.

-- Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!

-- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

-- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

-- You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband.

-- The question is -- do YOU know why you pulled me over?

-- I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me.

-- If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude.

-- It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.

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Geometry Humor

Q: What was the geometry student looking for at the beach?

A: A tangent.

 

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Walks Into a Bar... The Whole Gang

A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"

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BB King\'s Birthday Present

For BB King's birthday, his wife wanted to give him something very special! BB already had pretty much everything a person could want, money, fame and happiness! BB's wife decided to get "BB" tatooed on her butt, a "B" on each butt cheek. That night, after eating dinner and cake, she decided to give BB her gift. After explaining that her gift was very special, she proceeded bend over and pull her pants down, revealing her bare, tatooed ass! She told "BB" to look. He looked and said, "That's great honey... but who in the fuck is BOB?"

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Walks Into a Bar... Vampires

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

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New Boots

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?" "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants.""What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?""What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!"Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

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Jesus & the Robber

A robber breaks into a home and hears a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

Startled, he asks, "Who said that?"

Again, the voice says, "Jesus is watching you."

The robber turns around to see a parrot. He asks the parrot what his name is. The parrot replies, "Cornelius."

The robber asks, "Who names a parrot 'Cornelius'?"

The parrot replies, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus."

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New Math

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.Dear Wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Your HusbandWhen he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:Dear Husband, You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are the mathematician, you will appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.

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Gravity-Defying Tequila

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"

The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an a**hole when you're drunk, Superman."

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A Duck in a Convenience Store

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

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Jim Gaffigan: Bologna

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich -- dirty.'

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Phone Line

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I''ve come to activate your phone lines."

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The Koala Bear

A Koala bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich and the bartender brings him a sandwich The Koala eats the sandwich and gets up, spins around, pulls a pistol out of his pouch, shoots the piano player, an proceeds to walk out of the bar. The bartender, in shock, shouts to the Koala, "hey who do you think you are, you ate my sandwich and shot my piano player, and just where do you think your going! The Koala replies, "Hey I'm a Koala. Look it up." The frustrated bartender pulls out a dictionary from behind the bar and looks up Koala: "n. a marsupial that eats shoots and leaves."

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When Can I Get That Haircut?

A shady-looking guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy smiles and leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop.

"Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

"To your house."

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C.E.O. D.U.M.B

One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.

"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."

Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."

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Potential & Reality

A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up thoughtfully and says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on $2 million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two sluts."

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I'll Broke That Stock, Nudge, Nudge

There was once a stockbroker who had made a ton of money off the stock market and decided to retire to a ranch in Montana. One day he was out in his front yard planting some flowers when he sees dirt flying up behind a truck. The truck pulls into his driveway and a famer gets out of his truck.
"Hi, my name is Bob. I'm your neighbor. I live about five miles away and I came to invite you to a party I am having tonight."
"What kind of a party is it?" asks the stockbroker.
"Oh, we're going to do a little dancing, a little fighting, a little eating, little drinking, and a little screwing."
"That sounds great,' said the stockbroker. "What should I wear?"
"I don't care," said Bob. "It's just gonna be the two of us."

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An Order of Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''

The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.'' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'''

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Prison Mail

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."

The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

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