Signs You're Logged On to a Redneck's Computer

-- The keyboard is camouflaged.

-- The password is "bubba."

-- The screen has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.

-- The monitor is up on blocks.

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

Jealous Husband

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee."I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

Get in Line

A crowded flight is cancelled, and a frazzled agent must rebook a long line of inconvenienced travelers by herself. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushes to the front and demands to be on the next flight, first class.

The agent replies, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first."

The passenger screams, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"

The gate agent grabs her public address microphone, "May I have your attention, please? We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

The man grits his teeth, "Screw you."

She replies, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

The Vet Bill

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."

The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

Four-Letter Words

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?""Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly, she burst out crying. "But mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language...things I had never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... Please, mama!""Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?""Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed. They're just too awful! Come get me, please!""Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset...Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

Caught and Tagged

An old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She spends weeks staring at the cage and, eventually, catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she puts a little white collar around the male parrot's neck.

Later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

Shot To The Heart

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

Cheap Drinks

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender charges him 15 cents. Confused but not complaining, the man pays.After a while, he decides to have another beer and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The bartender charges him 50 cents, 15 for the beer and 35 for the food.After finishing his food and drink, he calls the bartender over and says, "Mate, that was the best steak I've ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him.""No problem," says the bartender. "He's upstairs with my wife.""What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man."Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business down here!"

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

The Unconcerned Widow

An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.

The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

Deadly Golf Trap

Jim and Bob are golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine and climbs down in search of it.

Jim spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to Bob in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, I got trouble down here.."

Bob calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron. You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

Penguin Delivery

A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus.

An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to the zoo. On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and pulls them over.

The zoo worker yells, "I gave you a $100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?"

"Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies."

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

Talking Parrot

A woman went into a pet shop and said to the man, "I want a parrot, but sell me one that definitely talks."The man sold her a parrot, saying, "This one definitely talks."The woman took him home, set his cage up on a table, and said to the parrot, "Okay, talk."The parrot said, "Show me your tits."The woman was outraged. So she put him in the refrigerator. After a while, she took him out and said, "So talk."Again, the parrot said, "Show me your tits."To show the parrot his place, she put him in the fridge for a longer time, but still the same thing happened. She was quite annoyed. This time she put him in the freezer.There was a turkey in the freezer. The parrot said to the turkey, "How did you get here? Did you ask for a blowjob?"

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

Charging Elephant

How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card!

Free Jokes and Humors!!