30th Birthday

    It was my 30th birthday and I wasn't feeling too great when I woke up that morning.
    I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me.
    She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone "Happy Birthday."
    I figured, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
    When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday."
    I felt a little better - at least someone had remembered.
    I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
    I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
    We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
    On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
    After arriving at her apartment, she smiled at me and said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
    Mad at my wife for forgetting about my birthday, not to mention that Janet was quite beautiful, I felt justified in staying. "Sure," I excitedly replied.
    She went into the bedroom and, after a few minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.
    They were all singing Happy Birthday... and there I sat on the couch... naked.

Chicken Gitmo

    The former chef of the White House has written a tell-all book.
    For example, he says that Dick Cheney, Vice President, his favorite dish is a dish called Chicken Gitmo.
    It's chicken bound and gagged on a bed of rice.
    -David Letterman

 

Rabies

    The tough businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. The medical practitioner examined him and backed away, saying:
    "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal."
    "Could you give me a pen and paper?" said the businessman.
    "Do you want to write your will?"
    "No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."

 

Neighbors wife

    One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door.
    He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts.
    He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.
    Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.
    "Excuse me," the man stammered, "But I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."
    "Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
    "Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."
    The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
    "OK," the husband says gruffly, "For ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts."
    At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy.
    This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.
    "I can't," replies our awe-struck man, still nuzzling away.
    "Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
    "I don't have ten thousand dollars."

 

-

Elf with a small.

    A male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could
    never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love
    with a elf nurse.
    One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft
    music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of
    his problem.
    "Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."
    Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots
    smaller than that."
    "Really?" the relieved elf asked.
    She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."

Morning sickness

    The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee, her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.
    "What's wrong ?" she asked.
    The friend told her that she had "morning sickness".
    Surprised the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant."
    "I'm not." the harried young woman replied. "I'm just sick of mornings."

Perfect golf shot

    A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity.
    He was driving his partner nuts, as he looked up, looked down, measured the distance, figured the wind direction and speed.
    Finally, his exasperated partner said, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
    The guy answers, "My wife's up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
    His partner mumbled, "Forget it, man, you ll never hit her from here!"

 

Best birth control

    "Do you know what the best birth control in the world is?"
    "No."
    "That's right."

Fishing terms

    Fishing Terms Explained
    HOOK:
    (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish.
    (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel.
    (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).
    LINE:
    Something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.
    LURE:
    An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.
    REEL:
    weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.
    ROD:
    An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
    SCHOOL:
    A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for leftovers instead.
    TACKLE:
    What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
    TACKLE BOX:
    A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit.
    Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.
    Your friends can gauge the number of Band Aids you need by the number of times you use the four lettered word... it begins with F and isn't fish!
    TEST:
    (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range.
    (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

 

-

Excess weight

    "Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked the patient.
    "I just can't seem to lose the weight," the patient said. "Must be an overactive thyroid."
    "The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal," the doctor said. "If anything is overactive, it's your fork."

Estimated Tax

Enclosed is your United States Internal Revenue service Tax Form 1040-ES OCR "Estimated Tax For Self-Employed Individuals." You may use this form to estimate your previous year's tax if:
    1. You are the head of a household and the sum of your spouse and dependents, minus the ages of qualifying pets (see Schedule 12G), is divisible by a whole number. (Use Supplementary Schedule 142C if pets are deceased but buried on your property)
    2. Your Gross Adjusted Income does not exceed your Adjusted Gross Income (except where applicable) and you did not pay taxable interest on dividend income prior to 1903.
    3. You are not claiming a foreign tax credit, except as a "foreign" tax credit. (Warning: claiming for a foreign tax credit for a foreign "tax" credit, except where a foreign"tax credit" is involved, may result in a fine of $125,000 and 25 years imprisonment)
    4. You are not one of the following: married and filing jointly; married and not filing jointly; not married and not filing jointly; jointed but not filing; other.
    INSTRUCTIONS:
    Type out all answers in ink with a number two lead pencil. Do not cross anything out. Do not use abbreviations or ditto marks. Do not misspell "miscellaneous".
    Write your name, address and social security number, and the name, address and social security number of your spouse and dependents, in full on each page twice.
    Do not check a box designated for an "X" or put an "X" in a box designated for a check mark unless it is your wish to do the whole thing again. Do not write "Search Me" in any blank spaces. Do not make anything up.
    Complete sections 47 to 52 first then proceed to even-numbered sections and complete in reverse order.
    Do not use this form if your total pensions and annuities disbursements were greater than your advanced earned income credits or vice versa.
    Under "income", list all wages, salaries, net foreign source taxable income, royalties, tips, gratuities, taxable interest, capital gains, air miles, pints paid on and money found down the back of the sofa.
    If your earnings are derived wholly, or partially but not primarily, or wholly and partially but not primarily from countries other than the United States.
    (If uncertain, see USIA Leaflet 212W, "Countries That Are Not The United States") or your rotated gross income from Schedule H was greater than your earned income credit on non-taxable net disbursements, you must include a Grantor/Transferor Waiver Voucher.
    Failure to do so may result in a fine of $1,500,000 and seizure of a child.
    Under Section 890f, list total farm income (if none give details). If you were born after January 1, 1897, and are not a widow(er), include excess casualty losses and provide carry over figures for depreciation on line 27iii.
    You must list number of turkeys slaughtered for export. Subtract, but do not deduct, net gross dividends from pro rata interest payments, multiply by the total number of steps in your home and enter on line 356d.
    On Schedule F1001, line c, list the contents of your garage. Include all electrical and non-electrical items on Schedule 295D but do not include any electrical or non-electrical items not listed on Supplementary Form 243d.
    Under "Personal Expenditures", itemize all cash expenditures of more than one dollar and include verification.
    If you have had dental work and you are not claiming a refund on the federal oil spill allowance, enter your shoe sizes since birth and enclose specimen shoes (Right foot only) Multiply by 1.5 or 1,319, whichever is larger, and divide line 3f by 3d.
    Under Section 912g, enter federal income support grants for the production of alfalfa, barley (but not sorghum, unless for home consumption) and okra whether or not you received any. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $3,750,000 and death by lethal injection.
    If your children are dependent but not living at home, or living at home but not dependent, or dependent and living at home but hardly ever there and you are not claiming exemption for losses of maritime vessels in excess of 12,000 tons deadweight (15,000 tons if you are military personnel based in Canada)
    You must complete and include a Maritime Vessel Exemption Form. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $111,000,000 and a nuclear attack on a small, neutral country.
    On Pages 924 through 926, Schedule D, enter the names of people you know personally who are Communist or use drugs (Use extra pages if necessary).
    If you h

Relationships

    Relationships are hard.
    It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one.
    If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
    There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
    -Bob Ettinger

Blackjack

    A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
    The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. And, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with it. So, why should I tip him?"
    The dealer replied, "When you eat out, do you tip the waiter?"
    "Yes, sure I do," responed the player.
    "Well then, he serves you food, and I'm serving you cards. So you see, you should tip me."
    "Okay, I see your point," agreed the player. "But, the waiter gives me what I ask for... I'll take an eight

New bull

    Out in the pasture one lovely summer day, three bulls complained about the rumor that their farmer had brought in another bull.
    The Alpha bull said, "You know, since we settled our differences and split up the cows, I've been pretty happy with my 100 cows. This new guy's not going to get any of my cows!"
    The second toughest bull said, "Yeah, well, since I only have 50 cows, I can't afford to share any of my cows with him either!"
    The youngest bull said, "You only gave me 10 cows. No way is he getting one of mine!"
    Just then the aforementioned new bull pranced over the hill, the biggest, baddest bovine they've ever seen. He weighed over a ton, had horns four feet long, and the Earth shook beneath his mass.
    Suddenly Alpha bull grew flexible. "Well, maybe I could spare a few cows."
    The second bull said, "I wonder if I hung out over in that far corner of the pasture he'd leave me alone?"
    But the small, teenage bull started snorting, pawing the ground, and shaking his fledgling horns in a highly confrontational manner.
    Worried about their inexperienced friend, the two older bulls said, "Listen, son, it's not worth dying for! Just give the new guy half your cows."
    "Hell, he can have them all if he wants them," said the young, snorting, pawing bull. "I just want to make sure that son'bitch knows I'm a bull!"

An honest lawyer

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

Subjects for a date

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

Brag about parents

An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.

"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"

"Yes," said the Navy brat.

"My dad has built them."

Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"

"Yes."

"It's my dad who's killed it!"

Child sent to bed

A small boy is sent to bed by his father... [Five minutes later] "Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." [Five minutes later] "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!" [Five minutes later] "Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

New family driver

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

A parent's terrors of life

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay?

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know you expressed tolerence will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,
Dorothy

Dad will never say

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

School in the Summertime

You're like school in the summertime -- no class.

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

The Pickle Slicer

There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job. She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?""For twenty years I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!"The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. "You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?""Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too."

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

Invisible Carrots

What's invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts!

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

Pangs of Conscience

Farmer Brown had been screwing one of his pigs for 5 years, when all of a sudden he was hit by pangs of conscience.
It bothered him so much that he decided that he just had to tell his priest about it in confession.
The priest was shocked and could only say to Farmer Brown, "Well, was the pig a male or a female?"
"A female, of course," shouted Farmer Brown!. "What do you think I am...some sort of queer?"

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

Toe Curl

This couple have just met in a bar, really hit it off and gone back to her place to have wild, passionate sex. After they have finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, "I guess that was just about the best sex you have ever had," he says. "What makes you say that?" asks the woman.
"Well, every time we did it, I couldn't help notice how it made your toes curl," he explains.
"Oh," says the woman, "that was just because most men wait to take off my pantyhose first."

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

Did You Call For Me?

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.....
"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

Politician Reincarnation

Q: Why are politicians proof of reincarnation?

A: You just can't get that screwed up in one lifetime.

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

Holy Mackerel

A woman walks into a fish shop. She is pretending that she is mute and says, "MM MM MM NN MNN."The clerk says, "What?"The woman again mumbles, "MM MM MM NN MNN."The clerk replies, "I dont understand you, i'll have to get my manager."The girl goes and gets her manager. The manager comes out and asks, "May i help you?"The woman lifts up her shirt and the manager says, "HOLY MACKEREL."The woman replies, "Yes, I would like two pounds please."

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

The Bad Belt

Q: Why did the belt get locked up?

A: He held up a pair of pants.

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

Professional Practical Jokes on the Groom

A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.

"I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter.

"I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love," says the electrician.

"Those are good ideas," says the dentist. "But my contribution's going to be a real surprise."

The next day the new husband comes to the diner to meet his friends. He says "I congratulate you guys for making the bed heat up and collapse, but I'm gonna kill whichever one of you put novocaine in the massage oil!"

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

3 guys and a dildo shop

Three guys go into a store... the first guy buys a wood dildo, the second guy buys a glass dildo, and the third guy buys a 25-foot long dildo.The next day the first guy comes back with the wooden dildo and says, "I want to return this dildo... it gave my wife splinters."The second guy comes back with the glass dildo and says, "I want to return this dildo... it broke off in my wife and now there is glass in my wife." The third guy comes back with the 25-foot long dildo. The cashier says, "Lemme guess you want to return your dildo?"The guy says, "Hell no!! This thing is great!! See that girl in the corner over there? Bang!! Got her!"

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

Happy Couple

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: "When I die, I will dig my way up out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs. There were also strange sounds at all hours. The man was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. One day, he died abruptly under strange circumstances, and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, his wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: "Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? This man practiced black magic and stated that when he died, he ! would dig his way up out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down."

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

Material Damage

A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!"

"You yuppies are so materialistic, it's ridiculous" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off."

"Oh, my God!" screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "My Rolex!"

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

Picture Of God

A kindergarten teacher was observing her class of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

Beat the Casino

Q: What is the only way to keep your money from the casinos in Las Vegas? A: When you get off the plane, walk into the propellers. Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

Bill Gates in Hell

St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"

St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

Periodic Elements

Valuable scientific data. The following are two proposed additions to the periodic table of elements (from chemistry class): Element name: womanSymbol: WOAtomic weight: (don't even go there) Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Element name: manSymbol: XY Atomic weight: (180 +/-50) Phy! sical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Usage: None known. Possibly good source of methane. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

Gravity-Defying Tequila

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"

The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an a**hole when you're drunk, Superman."

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

Trained Parrot

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her.Son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her.Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval.Son #3 had to do something even better, so he bought her a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask the parrot any verse in the Bible, and he could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be.Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's too large to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway." Then she confronted her second son with, "Son, the car is beautiful. It has everything you could ever wan! t on it, but I don't drive and really don't like the chauffeur, so please return the car."Next, she went to Son #3 and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

Drowning Lawyer

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

A Mother's Sex Education

A mother worries that her teenage daughter is having sex and might get pregnant, so she consults several parenting websites for advice.

Later that evening, as her daughter prepares for a date, the mother sits down to talk with her. "I know you are adult enough to make the right decision about your body. But I want you to please try to abstain from sex until you're married. If you must have sex, then please use protection."

Feeling proud of herself for being so pro-active, the mother hands her daughter a box of condoms.

The daughter laughs and hugs her mother. "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating a girl!"

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

Johnny and His Mom

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, saying, "Johnny, this is where you came from."Johnny went to school the next day smiling, insisting that all his friends refer to him as "Lucky Johnny.""Why?" one asked.Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

Perfect Tee Shot

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here.."

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

Potential & Reality

A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up thoughtfully and says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on $2 million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two sluts."

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

100 Years Old

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?""No," he replied. "I've never done either.""Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor."No, I've never done any of those things either.""Well, then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

The Deacon's Last Words

A deacon is in the hospital and his good friend, a preacher, goes to visit him.

The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed.

The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the deacon begins to write. Suddenly, the deacon dies.

At his funeral, the preacher delivers the service. He says, "I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here."

The preacher pulls out the paper and reads, "Please, get up. You're kneeling on my oxygen hose."

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

What Would Tiger Do?

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin.. I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone.

"What are you doing now?" she asks.

"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.

Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

Good News and Bad News

A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there's good news and bad news. The guy asks for the bad news first. The nurse says, "We're going to have to remove your legs." Then the guy asks for the good news. The nurse says, "The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers." Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

Mule Balls

An American couple on vacation with some friends in Mexico were shopping at the market to bring back a few souvenirs to their family and friends. Time passed, and the couple realized that neither of them was wearing a watch. They noticed this little Mexican man taking a siesta next to this mule, which had the largest set of mule nuts they had ever seen.Trying not to stare at the huge mule nuts, they asked the little Mexican man, "Excuse us, but could you tell us what time it is?"The little Mexican man reached his hand under the enormous set of mule nuts and, lifting them high, said, "It's 3 o'clock."Amazed by this, the American couple went off to find their friends and tell them the amazing story. "This little Mexican man over there can tell time by lifting his mule's balls!"Curious and amazed, the friends wanted to see this first-hand, so they went back and asked the little Mexican man what time it was. Sure enough! , the little Mexican man reached out again, cupped his hands under the mule's nuts, lifted them up as if to weigh them, and said, "It is 3:15."The friends checked the time on their watches, and sure enough, the little man was correct.Blown away by this, the American couple finally asked, "It is just amazing...how do you do that?""Do what?" the Mexican asked."Tell the time by lifting your mule's balls!""Ah...." said the Mexican. "I just need to lift his balls so I can see that big clock across the street."

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

Latex Gloves

A doctor complains to his colleagues about the sanitary problems at a latex glove factory in Mexico.

"Workers stick their hands in melted latex and then dip their hands in a vat of cooling water to solidify the latex. The glove is then thrown in a finished products box."

His colleagues are disgusted by the lack of care taken in keeping the gloves sanitary.

"That's not all," says the doctor. "You don't even want to know how they make their condoms!"

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

Johnny and His Dad

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day and found him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick. In an attempt to hide his full erection, Johnny's father bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously, "What ya doin', Dad?"His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

Mysterious Hole at the Nudist Camp

Q: What are they doing about the mysterious hole discovered at the Carefree Nudist Camp?

A: Nothing -- the police won't look into it.

Free Jokes and Humors!!

 

 

Engineer's Belief

 

Most people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Free Jokes and Humors!!