I call her. She tells me my dog, Sluggo, just took a dump on the new carpet. I'm like, 'Shoot him.' She goes, 'That's just like you, Ron. I have a genuine problem, and you're being sarcastic.' 'Alright, honey, I'm sorry. Put the dog on the phone. I'll talk to him.'
May 17, 2009
Ron White: Walking on the Beach
If you're ever walking down the beach and you see a girl dressed in a bikini made out of seashells, and you pick her up and hold her to your ear, you can hear her scream.
Ron White: Wake-Up Call
I went out last night, and I got back at the hotel at 7:30 this morning. I went up to the desk to leave a wake-up call for 7:00. The lady goes, 'Mr. White, it's past 7:00.' 'No, the next one. You got another one coming around, don't you? Why don't you just put me on that one? I hear they're running two a day through New York City.'
Obviously Nuts
A guy goes to the psychiatrist only wearing shorts made of Glad wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
How You Know You're Drunk
Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.
Dane Cook: Car Accident
I'm a little sore 'cause a couple of days back I got into a car accident -- not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault. 'Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80?!'
Salary raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:I do physical laborI work at great depthsI plunge head first into everything I doI do not get weekends off or public holidaysI work in a damp environmentI don't get paid overtimeI work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilationI work in high temperaturesMy work exposes me to contagious diseasesDear Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:You do not work 8 hours straightYou fall asleep on the job after brief work periodYou do not always follow the orders of the management teamYou do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areasYou do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start workingYou leave the workplace ra! ther messy at the end of your shiftYou don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothingYou'll retire well before reaching 65You're unable to work double shiftsYou sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.Sincerely,The Management
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