Take Off My Clothes

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt.

Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.

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Oppressive Potato

Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A: A dic-tater.

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Old Lady & The Dollar

 A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness and gave her the required sum.

    "There you are, my dear," said the mother.  "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"

    "Oh yes," came the reply.  "She sells candy."

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The Statues

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.

The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."

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A Good Weigh

On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed."So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses people's weight. He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly.Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again.Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.Rose's roommate was waiting up for her to return and asked how the ! evening went."Wousy!" Rose replied.

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Chinese Torture Tests

A man is traveling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night. After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers. The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and the Chinese guy agrees -- as long as he doesn't screw his granddaughter. Before the traveler can agree, the old man warns him that if he does screw his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him. The traveler says okay, and the man lets him in. When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her. The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, "First Chinese torture: wake up with 100-pound rock on chest." Being a strong man, the traveler thinks nothing of i! t. He picks up the rock and throws it out the window. On the back of the rock, there is another sign reading "Second Chinese torture: right ball tied to rock." Thinking quickly, the traveler jumps out the window. On the other side of the window, there is another sign reading, "Third Chinese torture: left nut tied to bed post."

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Jolly Green Giant

Why did the Jolly Green Giant get kicked out of the garden?

Because he took a pea!

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Starting Early

A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid."Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked."That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three.""What? How did that happen?""I don't remember. I was drunk."

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Three Types of Sex

There are three types of sex in a marriage. The first one is Kitchen Sex. This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen.

The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.

The third type of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, ''Screw you.''

But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex. This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.

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Discontinued Jelly Bean Flavors

1. Gangrene
2. New Car
3. Burn Victim
4. Dimetapp
5. Sand
6. Taxi
7. Grandma
8. WD-40
9. Substitute Teacher
10. Cigarette

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Sundae

Three guys are walking down the street one day, when they come on a whore house. They decide to go inside. When they get to the counter, the lady says, "It's $5 for sex."The first man turns to his buddies and says, "Do ya'll have any money?" They say no, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a dime. He tells the lady that all he has is a dime.She says, "We'll fix you up."She takes him to a room and 20 minutes later he comes back out. His buddies ask him what happened. He says that the lady put whipped cream on his dick and licked it off with her tongue. The second man says, "I got 15 cents. I wonder what I can get." He gives it to the lady, and she takes him back to the same room. He comes out 30 minutes later, and his buddies ask him what happened.He says, "She put whipped cream on my dick and then poured hot fudge on top of that and licked it off." The third guy says, "I got a quarter! , so I'm gonna see what I can get." The lady takes him back to the room, and 10 minutes later he comes out limping. His buddies look at him and ask what happened.He says, "She put whipped cream and hot fudge on my dick, and to top it off, she put a cherry...It looked so good I ate it my self."

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Discontinued Jelly Bean Flavors

Discontinued Jelly Bean Flavors

1. Gangrene
2. New Car
3. Burn Victim
4. Dimetapp
5. Sand
6. Taxi
7. Grandma
8. WD-40
9. Substitute Teacher
10. Cigarette

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Wooden Leg

Harry was sensitive about his wooden leg and afraid no woman would have him. He was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage. He couldn't bring himself to tell his fianc� about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.The wedding night came and went, and the young couple was at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump."Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that is a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"

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Beer Goggles

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joe's curiosity got the best of him.

He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?"

The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home!"

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Insulting Parrot

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was angry, but she continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again, and again, the parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" Furious, the lady stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store.

The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.

"Yes?"

"You know...."

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Baldness

Are you really that bald or is your neck just blowing a bubble?

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You Can't Put HimTogether Again

What's green and red, and goes 100 mph?

A frog in a blender!

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Glass Eye

A man walked into a bar and sat down beside a women. Suddenly her glass eye popped out and he caught it. She thanked him and asked him if he would join her for breakfast the next day. He agreed and got her address.The next day he went to her house and had a lovely breakfast. He asked, "Do you treat all men like this?"She smiled and said, "Just the ones who catch my eye."

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Your Teeth

You have so many gaps in your teeth, it looks like your tongue is in jail.

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2nd to 3rd

Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base than it takes to run from first to second?

Because you have a short stop between second and third.

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The Agent

The agent of a beautiful actress discovered one day that the actress had been selling her body for 100 dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted after her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted to make it with her.She agreed to spend the night with him but said that he would have to pay her the same 100 dollars that the other customers did.He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get my agent's 10% as a deduction?""No, siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full price for it just like the other Johns."The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed.That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local nightclub. The agent did her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.At 1 a.m., she was awakened again. And again, she was vigorous! ly done. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made love to again. The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality."My goodness," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent.""I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. "He's at the door selling tickets."

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Blonde Paints a Porch

A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

"How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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