A: A tangent.
May 4, 2009
Walks Into a Bar... The Whole Gang
A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"
The bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"
BB King\'s Birthday Present
For BB King's birthday, his wife wanted to give him something very special! BB already had pretty much everything a person could want, money, fame and happiness! BB's wife decided to get "BB" tatooed on her butt, a "B" on each butt cheek. That night, after eating dinner and cake, she decided to give BB her gift. After explaining that her gift was very special, she proceeded bend over and pull her pants down, revealing her bare, tatooed ass! She told "BB" to look. He looked and said, "That's great honey... but who in the fuck is BOB?"
Walks Into a Bar... Vampires
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
New Boots
Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?" "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants.""What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?""What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!"Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"
Jesus & the Robber
A robber breaks into a home and hears a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Startled, he asks, "Who said that?"
Again, the voice says, "Jesus is watching you."
The robber turns around to see a parrot. He asks the parrot what his name is. The parrot replies, "Cornelius."
The robber asks, "Who names a parrot 'Cornelius'?"
The parrot replies, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus."
Startled, he asks, "Who said that?"
Again, the voice says, "Jesus is watching you."
The robber turns around to see a parrot. He asks the parrot what his name is. The parrot replies, "Cornelius."
The robber asks, "Who names a parrot 'Cornelius'?"
The parrot replies, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus."
New Math
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.Dear Wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Your HusbandWhen he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:Dear Husband, You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are the mathematician, you will appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.
Gravity-Defying Tequila
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"
The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an a**hole when you're drunk, Superman."
The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"
The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an a**hole when you're drunk, Superman."
A Duck in a Convenience Store
This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"
Jim Gaffigan: Bologna
Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich -- dirty.'
Phone Line
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I''ve come to activate your phone lines."
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