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Thank You, Lord A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking the Lord for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked the Lord for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank the Lord for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited -- and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank the Lord for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?" BABE AND HUNK OF THE DAY Daily Babe: Click Here Daily Hunk: Click Here Please help pass on the laughs - forward this email to your friends and co-workers. TO SUBSCRIBE TO THIS BULLETIN: Click Here TO CANCEL YOUR SUBSCRIPTION TO THIS BULLETIN: Click Here For comments or suggestions, please use our Contact Form | ||||
Dec 31, 2009
Thank You, Lord - Clean (31-12-2009)
Dec 29, 2009
Red Lights - Clean (29-12-2009)
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Red Lights Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. Cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought, "I must be losing my mind. I swear we just went through a red light." A few minutes later, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and yet they went right through. She turned to the woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I dr! iving?" BABE AND HUNK OF THE DAY Daily Babe: Click Here Daily Hunk: Click Here Please help pass on the laughs - forward this email to your friends and co-workers. TO SUBSCRIBE TO THIS BULLETIN: Click Here TO CANCEL YOUR SUBSCRIPTION TO THIS BULLETIN: Click Here For comments or suggestions, please use our Contact Form | ||||
Dec 27, 2009
Help From the KGB - Clean (27-12-2009)
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Help From the KGB A phone rings at KGB headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this the KGB?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his fire wood." "This will be noted." The next day, the KGB goons visit Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the fire wood is kept, break every piece of wood there, but find no diamonds. They swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone then rings at Rabinovitz's house. "Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?" "Yes." "Did they chop up your firewood?" "Yes, they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed." BABE AND HUNK OF THE DAY Daily Babe: Click Here Daily Hunk: Click Here Please help pass on the laughs - forward this email to your friends and co-workers. TO SUBSCRIBE TO THIS BULLETIN: Click Here TO CANCEL YOUR SUBSCRIPTION TO THIS BULLETIN: Click Here For comments or suggestions, please use our Contact Form | ||||
Nov 25, 2009
Iron Phone
A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other one?"
"They called back."
Bad Seeing-Eye Dog
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
Jeff Dunham: Becoming a Wal-Mart Greeter
Walter: I could get a real job.
Jeff Dunham: What would you do?
Walter: I want to be a greeter at Wal-mart.
Jeff Dunham: Wal-mart, huh? What would be your opening line?
Walter: 'Welcome to Wal-mart. Get your s**t and get out. Have a nice day'.
Jeff Dunham: What would you do?
Walter: I want to be a greeter at Wal-mart.
Jeff Dunham: Wal-mart, huh? What would be your opening line?
Walter: 'Welcome to Wal-mart. Get your s**t and get out. Have a nice day'.
The Baptism
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes,Preacher. I sure am."The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked."No, I didn't!" said the drunk.The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?""No, I did not Reverend."The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher..."Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Nov 24, 2009
Religious Boy
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his he! ad. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Nerd Season
A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer filled with computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door reading, "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter at Your Own Risk." He enters the bar and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs him, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says okay, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and now they are in season."You don't even n! eed a license," he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. Remembering what had happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season.""Well, sure," says the patrolman, "but you can't bait 'em."
Populate the Earth
One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth."Adam, you can start by kissing Eve.""Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?""Adam, I now want you to caress Eve.""Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam.God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her.A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?""Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve.""Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam.God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush.A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"
Dead in His Cornflakes
Q: Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?
A: The police thought it was a cereal killer.
A: The police thought it was a cereal killer.
Six-Foot
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?""67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the cop."But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've ! never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?""I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob."What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman."I'm a rectum stretcher!"The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?"Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"
Little Johnny's Halloween
Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"
"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.
"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.
"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own freakin' business."
Seductive Fingers
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy."Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands."Actually, no" he replies."Can you get him for me -- I need to speak to him." She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair."I'm afraid that I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?""Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently."Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
Organs
A prostitute visited a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.Concerned about her friend's welfare, the prostitute went up to the surgeon and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"The doctor replied, "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health, apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"The patient's friend replied, "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?""Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"
Nov 23, 2009
Hunters Must Keep Quiet
Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time and reminds him to be still and keep quiet.
An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe.
"Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve, "and I was quiet when the fox attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"
An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe.
"Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve, "and I was quiet when the fox attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"
Group Photo
Q: Why is it so difficult to take a group photo of a bunch of West Virginians?
A: Because everytime the photographer yells Cheese! they all line up!'
A: Because everytime the photographer yells Cheese! they all line up!'
Workin' Man at the Restaurant
A man with greasy jeans, a flannel shirt, and work boots approaches the headwaiter in an elegant restaurant.
The man says, "Hey buddy, where's your crapper?"
The headwaiter calmly replies, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen,' pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."
The man says, "Hey buddy, where's your crapper?"
The headwaiter calmly replies, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen,' pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."
Take Off My Clothes
My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.
Then she told me to take off her skirt.
Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.
Then she told me to take off her skirt.
Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.
Nov 22, 2009
Two Blonde Men
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a shit."The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
Celebrity Farting
Shaggy, Shania Twain, and Britney Spears go in a limo to a restaurant. Someone farts and Shaggy says,"Wasn't me!".
Shania Twain says," That don't impress me much."
Britney Spears says,"Oops, I did it again."
The next day they go in a limo to a bar and someone farts. Shaggy says, "Wasn't me!".
Shania Twain says," That don't impress me much."
Britney Spears says, "Stronger than yesterday."
Nov 19, 2009
Confessions
A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."The rabbi had his turn of interrogation: "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate, but..."The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."The two resumed their reading. It was silent for a while.Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
Nov 18, 2009
People in Grass Houses
The king of a small African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut. When an old friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would discover he was a king and treat him differently. He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but to no avail. Finally, he decided to have it wedged up in the ceiling of his hut. When his friend arrived, he went to the hut's opening to greet him. Just then the ceiling started to give way, and the golden throne fell on the king, killing him.
The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.'
The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.'
Victoria's Five-Legged Secret
Did you hear about the woman who has five legs?
Her panties fit her like a glove!
Photo Trap
A motorist gets caught in an automated speed trap that photographs his car.
He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40.
A few days later, he gets a letter from the police department with a picture of handcuffs.
He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40.
A few days later, he gets a letter from the police department with a picture of handcuffs.
Nov 17, 2009
Telephone Operator's Proposal
How did the telephone operator propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring.
A Scotch Expert
A man walked into a bar and ordered a twelve-year old scotch. As the bartender was busy, he decided to serve the guy whatever he had under his hand.
The fellow took a sip, spat it out, and told the bartender, "I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a three year-old one."
When the bartender heard that, he checked the bottle and was amazed that the fellow was right -- he had served him a three-year old scotch. The bartender wanted to see how good the fellow was, so he served him another scotch, this one a six-year old.
The guy had a sip and spat it out, complaining, "I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a six-year old one."
The bartender was surprised by how good this fellow was. So the barman decided to play one more little game. He served the customer a nine-year-old scotch instead of a twelve-year old one as requested.
The fellow had a sip and spat it out, stating, "I think I asked for a twelve-year old sc! otch and not a nine-year old one."
The bartender was very impressed and finally served him the demanded twelve-year-old scotch.
The customer took a sip and added, "This is what I asked in the first place."
At the end of the counter sat a man who had witnessed this scene. He sent a tumbler to the scotch expert and asked him to have a sip.
The fellow did so and spat it out and said, "Good Lord, that's piss."
The other man added, "Now tell me how old I am."
The fellow took a sip, spat it out, and told the bartender, "I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a three year-old one."
When the bartender heard that, he checked the bottle and was amazed that the fellow was right -- he had served him a three-year old scotch. The bartender wanted to see how good the fellow was, so he served him another scotch, this one a six-year old.
The guy had a sip and spat it out, complaining, "I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a six-year old one."
The bartender was surprised by how good this fellow was. So the barman decided to play one more little game. He served the customer a nine-year-old scotch instead of a twelve-year old one as requested.
The fellow had a sip and spat it out, stating, "I think I asked for a twelve-year old sc! otch and not a nine-year old one."
The bartender was very impressed and finally served him the demanded twelve-year-old scotch.
The customer took a sip and added, "This is what I asked in the first place."
At the end of the counter sat a man who had witnessed this scene. He sent a tumbler to the scotch expert and asked him to have a sip.
The fellow did so and spat it out and said, "Good Lord, that's piss."
The other man added, "Now tell me how old I am."
Victorian Ladies
How many Victorian ladies does it take to change a lightbulb?
One hundred.
One to replace the bulb and ninety-nine to contract consumption and die beautiful, poetic deaths.
Bellboy
Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
Nymphomaniac
Jon was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know that she was darn near a nymphomaniac.After six times having sex, she was screaming for more. After the eighth time, Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.On the way out, he stopped into the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find "it."After a couple of minutes fishing around, he finally said, "Look, it's okay. She's not here!"
New Version of Playboy
Q. Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy?
A. It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....
Sep 21, 2009
God Dog
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
Golf Ball Hunt
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"
Baking Chocolate Chip Cookies
Q: How can you tell that a blonde's been baking chocolate chip cookies?
A: There's M&M shells all over the floor.
A: There's M&M shells all over the floor.
Baseball in Heaven
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
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Mouse Droppings
An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks, "How high up are we?"
"About 2,000 feet," the eagle replies.
The mouse replies, "You ain't sh*ttin' me, are you?"
"About 2,000 feet," the eagle replies.
The mouse replies, "You ain't sh*ttin' me, are you?"
Sex in Advertising
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."
The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."
A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."
The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."
Sep 13, 2009
Penguins Go to the Zoo
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."
Dear
A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what this is?"A little girl raised her hand."Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?""It's a cow, teacher.""Very good, Janie," said the teacher.Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class. Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer."I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?"Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, Teacher. It's a big horny bastard!"
Blonde's Appendicitis
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The Penguin
A penguin was driving his car down the highway when steam began to pour out of the hood. He pulled into a repair shop and asked the mechanic to fix his car. The man said to come back in half an hour. So while he waited the penguin went across the street to the bar, and ordered a glass of milk. Since penguins don't have hands to hold glasses, he spilled some milk on his beak. When he returned to the mechanic, he asked what was wrong with his car. The mechanic said it looked like he blew a seal
Cars
One day little Johny was playing in the mud. When his father came home Johny asked him if he could take a shower with him. "Sure", said his father. When they were in the shower Johny asked his father "What's that?" His father said that it was his Chevrolet. Little johny asked "what's mine then?" His father said that his was his toyota. Johny did the same with his mother. She told him that her pussy was her garage. That night a thunderstorm came through. Johny got scared and asked if he could sleep with his parents. They said yes and Johny jumped in bed. Johny's father said "Move over son, I'm gonna put my Chevrolet in your mothers garage." Little Johny said "Sorry dad, but I already have my toyota in there."
Chemistry Set
A father came home and asked where his son was. His wife replied that he was downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father was curious, so he wandered downstairs to see what his son was doing. As he walked down the steps, he heard a banging sound. When he got to the bottom he saw his son pounding a nail into the wall. He aid to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?"
His son replied, "This isn't a nail, Dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became as hard as a rock."
His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what, Son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen."
His son quite naturally said, "Sure why not."
The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his ! Volkswagen was. His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. By the way, the Mercedes is from your mother."
His son replied, "This isn't a nail, Dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became as hard as a rock."
His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what, Son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen."
His son quite naturally said, "Sure why not."
The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his ! Volkswagen was. His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. By the way, the Mercedes is from your mother."
Aug 24, 2009
Take Off My Clothes
My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.
Then she told me to take off her skirt.
Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.
Then she told me to take off her skirt.
Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.
Aug 23, 2009
Old Lady & The Dollar
A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness and gave her the required sum.
"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."
The Statues
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."
A Good Weigh
On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed."So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses people's weight. He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly.Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again.Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.Rose's roommate was waiting up for her to return and asked how the ! evening went."Wousy!" Rose replied.
Aug 20, 2009
Chinese Torture Tests
A man is traveling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night. After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers. The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and the Chinese guy agrees -- as long as he doesn't screw his granddaughter. Before the traveler can agree, the old man warns him that if he does screw his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him. The traveler says okay, and the man lets him in. When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her. The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, "First Chinese torture: wake up with 100-pound rock on chest." Being a strong man, the traveler thinks nothing of i! t. He picks up the rock and throws it out the window. On the back of the rock, there is another sign reading "Second Chinese torture: right ball tied to rock." Thinking quickly, the traveler jumps out the window. On the other side of the window, there is another sign reading, "Third Chinese torture: left nut tied to bed post."
Aug 19, 2009
Jolly Green Giant
Why did the Jolly Green Giant get kicked out of the garden?
Because he took a pea!
Starting Early
A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid."Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked."That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three.""What? How did that happen?""I don't remember. I was drunk."
Aug 16, 2009
Three Types of Sex
There are three types of sex in a marriage. The first one is Kitchen Sex. This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen.
The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.
The third type of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, ''Screw you.''
But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex. This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.
Discontinued Jelly Bean Flavors
1. Gangrene
2. New Car
3. Burn Victim
4. Dimetapp
5. Sand
6. Taxi
7. Grandma
8. WD-40
9. Substitute Teacher
10. Cigarette
2. New Car
3. Burn Victim
4. Dimetapp
5. Sand
6. Taxi
7. Grandma
8. WD-40
9. Substitute Teacher
10. Cigarette
Sundae
Three guys are walking down the street one day, when they come on a whore house. They decide to go inside. When they get to the counter, the lady says, "It's $5 for sex."The first man turns to his buddies and says, "Do ya'll have any money?" They say no, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a dime. He tells the lady that all he has is a dime.She says, "We'll fix you up."She takes him to a room and 20 minutes later he comes back out. His buddies ask him what happened. He says that the lady put whipped cream on his dick and licked it off with her tongue. The second man says, "I got 15 cents. I wonder what I can get." He gives it to the lady, and she takes him back to the same room. He comes out 30 minutes later, and his buddies ask him what happened.He says, "She put whipped cream on my dick and then poured hot fudge on top of that and licked it off." The third guy says, "I got a quarter! , so I'm gonna see what I can get." The lady takes him back to the room, and 10 minutes later he comes out limping. His buddies look at him and ask what happened.He says, "She put whipped cream and hot fudge on my dick, and to top it off, she put a cherry...It looked so good I ate it my self."
Aug 13, 2009
Discontinued Jelly Bean Flavors
Discontinued Jelly Bean Flavors
1. Gangrene
2. New Car
3. Burn Victim
4. Dimetapp
5. Sand
6. Taxi
7. Grandma
8. WD-40
9. Substitute Teacher
10. Cigarette
1. Gangrene
2. New Car
3. Burn Victim
4. Dimetapp
5. Sand
6. Taxi
7. Grandma
8. WD-40
9. Substitute Teacher
10. Cigarette
Aug 12, 2009
Wooden Leg
Harry was sensitive about his wooden leg and afraid no woman would have him. He was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage. He couldn't bring himself to tell his fianc� about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.The wedding night came and went, and the young couple was at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump."Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that is a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
Beer Goggles
Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joe's curiosity got the best of him.
He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?"
The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home!"
Aug 10, 2009
Insulting Parrot
A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was angry, but she continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the pet store again, and again, the parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" Furious, the lady stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.
"Yes?"
"You know...."
On the way home, she passed by the pet store again, and again, the parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" Furious, the lady stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.
"Yes?"
"You know...."
Aug 6, 2009
Aug 4, 2009
Glass Eye
A man walked into a bar and sat down beside a women. Suddenly her glass eye popped out and he caught it. She thanked him and asked him if he would join her for breakfast the next day. He agreed and got her address.The next day he went to her house and had a lovely breakfast. He asked, "Do you treat all men like this?"She smiled and said, "Just the ones who catch my eye."
Aug 2, 2009
2nd to 3rd
Why does it take longer to run from second base to third base than it takes to run from first to second?
Because you have a short stop between second and third.
The Agent
The agent of a beautiful actress discovered one day that the actress had been selling her body for 100 dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted after her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted to make it with her.She agreed to spend the night with him but said that he would have to pay her the same 100 dollars that the other customers did.He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get my agent's 10% as a deduction?""No, siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full price for it just like the other Johns."The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed.That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local nightclub. The agent did her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.At 1 a.m., she was awakened again. And again, she was vigorous! ly done. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made love to again. The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality."My goodness," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent.""I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. "He's at the door selling tickets."
Aug 1, 2009
Blonde Paints a Porch
A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
"How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
"How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Jul 30, 2009
Signs You're Logged On to a Redneck's Computer
-- The keyboard is camouflaged.
-- The password is "bubba."
-- The screen has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
-- The monitor is up on blocks.
-- The password is "bubba."
-- The screen has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
-- The monitor is up on blocks.
Jealous Husband
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee."I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
Get in Line
A crowded flight is cancelled, and a frazzled agent must rebook a long line of inconvenienced travelers by herself. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushes to the front and demands to be on the next flight, first class.
The agent replies, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first."
The passenger screams, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"
The gate agent grabs her public address microphone, "May I have your attention, please? We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."
The man grits his teeth, "Screw you."
She replies, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The agent replies, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first."
The passenger screams, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"
The gate agent grabs her public address microphone, "May I have your attention, please? We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."
The man grits his teeth, "Screw you."
She replies, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The Vet Bill
A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."
The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."
The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."
Four-Letter Words
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?""Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly, she burst out crying. "But mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language...things I had never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... Please, mama!""Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?""Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed. They're just too awful! Come get me, please!""Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset...Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
Caught and Tagged
An old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She spends weeks staring at the cage and, eventually, catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she puts a little white collar around the male parrot's neck.
Later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."
Later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."
Shot To The Heart
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Cheap Drinks
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender charges him 15 cents. Confused but not complaining, the man pays.After a while, he decides to have another beer and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The bartender charges him 50 cents, 15 for the beer and 35 for the food.After finishing his food and drink, he calls the bartender over and says, "Mate, that was the best steak I've ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him.""No problem," says the bartender. "He's upstairs with my wife.""What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man."Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business down here!"
The Unconcerned Widow
An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.
The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"
One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.
The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"
Deadly Golf Trap
Jim and Bob are golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine and climbs down in search of it.
Jim spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim calls out to Bob in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, I got trouble down here.."
Bob calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"
Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron. You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
Jim spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim calls out to Bob in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, I got trouble down here.."
Bob calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"
Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron. You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
Penguin Delivery
A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus.
An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to the zoo. On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and pulls them over.
The zoo worker yells, "I gave you a $100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?"
"Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies."
An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to the zoo. On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and pulls them over.
The zoo worker yells, "I gave you a $100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?"
"Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies."
Talking Parrot
A woman went into a pet shop and said to the man, "I want a parrot, but sell me one that definitely talks."The man sold her a parrot, saying, "This one definitely talks."The woman took him home, set his cage up on a table, and said to the parrot, "Okay, talk."The parrot said, "Show me your tits."The woman was outraged. So she put him in the refrigerator. After a while, she took him out and said, "So talk."Again, the parrot said, "Show me your tits."To show the parrot his place, she put him in the fridge for a longer time, but still the same thing happened. She was quite annoyed. This time she put him in the freezer.There was a turkey in the freezer. The parrot said to the turkey, "How did you get here? Did you ask for a blowjob?"
Jul 29, 2009
Marry a Teacher
Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."
The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"
Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"
Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"
The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."
The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"
Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"
Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"
Jul 21, 2009
Pay the Price
A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."
The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."
The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."
Sparrow
Once upon a time, there was a nonconformist sparrow who decided to not fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather had turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings, and he fell to earth nearly frozen solid, landing in a barnyard.A cow passed by where the sparrow had fallen and crapped on the little bird. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy and able to breath, the sparrow started to sing. Just then, a large cat came by and heard the chirping. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him. The moral of the story: Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy; everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend; and if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.
Jul 20, 2009
Jul 19, 2009
They Do It in Europe
After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said."Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"
Devil in the Church
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Jul 18, 2009
The Never Ending Joint
As pothead walks down the road, a genie appears in front of him. "I'll grant you two wishes," says the genie.
The pothead replies, "I want a never ending joint."
The genie says, "As you wish," and gives him the joint.
The pothead takes a long drag and says, "Awesome! I want another one!"
The pothead replies, "I want a never ending joint."
The genie says, "As you wish," and gives him the joint.
The pothead takes a long drag and says, "Awesome! I want another one!"
Lesson Number One
Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said, "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven't got the energy.""Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey from the tree.The moral of the story is: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Playing House
A little girl and a little boy were at daycare.The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey, Stevie, wanna play house?"He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replied, "I want you to communicate." He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
Free of Charge
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?" The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."
Blonde's Computer Freeze
What does a blonde do when her computer freezes?
She sticks it in the microwave
v
The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?""Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."The bartender nodded and said, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."
Someone may see
A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?" "What? You're crazy!" "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem." "No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor..." "At this time of the night? No one will show up..." "I've already said No, and NO!" "Honey, it's just a small blowie...I know you'd like it, too..." "No! I've said NO!" "My love... Don't be like that..." At this moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"
SpongeBob SquarePants: Bankrupt Goldfish
Q. Did you hear about the goldfish that went bankrupt?
A. Now he's a bronzefish!
A. Now he's a bronzefish!
High Speed Chase
After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over.
"You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
Jul 16, 2009
And In A Year I'll Be Five
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.
"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."
Jul 15, 2009
Jul 14, 2009
Pastor Fuzz
The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?""Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."The bartender nodded and said, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."
Lack of Vision
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Jul 13, 2009
Things Found Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Coming to America
One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea.
"Driver? Can I drive for a while?"
"Sure," says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington -- dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.
"We got somebody really important here," he says to his partner.
"Who is it? Is it a senator?"
"No. More important."
"The president?"
"No. More important."
"An ambassador? Who?"
"I don't know. But the Pope is his driver."
"Driver? Can I drive for a while?"
"Sure," says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington -- dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.
"We got somebody really important here," he says to his partner.
"Who is it? Is it a senator?"
"No. More important."
"The president?"
"No. More important."
"An ambassador? Who?"
"I don't know. But the Pope is his driver."
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