Jul 18, 2009

The Never Ending Joint

As pothead walks down the road, a genie appears in front of him. "I'll grant you two wishes," says the genie.

The pothead replies, "I want a never ending joint."

The genie says, "As you wish," and gives him the joint.

The pothead takes a long drag and says, "Awesome! I want another one!"
 

Lesson Number One


Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said, "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven't got the energy.""Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey from the tree.The moral of the story is: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


 
 

Playing House

A little girl and a little boy were at daycare.The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey, Stevie, wanna play house?"He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replied, "I want you to communicate." He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
 

Blonde in Freezer

Q: What do you call a blonde in the freezer?

A: A Frosted Flake

 

Free of Charge

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?" The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."
 

Blonde's Computer Freeze

What does a blonde do when her computer freezes?

She sticks it in the microwave

 

v

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?""Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."The bartender nodded and said, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."
 
 

Someone may see

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?" "What? You're crazy!" "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem." "No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor..." "At this time of the night? No one will show up..." "I've already said No, and NO!" "Honey, it's just a small blowie...I know you'd like it, too..." "No! I've said NO!" "My love... Don't be like that..." At this moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

 
 

SpongeBob SquarePants: Bankrupt Goldfish

Q. Did you hear about the goldfish that went bankrupt?

A. Now he's a bronzefish!
 

High Speed Chase

After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over.

"You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."