A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other one?"
"They called back."
Nov 25, 2009
Bad Seeing-Eye Dog
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
Jeff Dunham: Becoming a Wal-Mart Greeter
Walter: I could get a real job.
Jeff Dunham: What would you do?
Walter: I want to be a greeter at Wal-mart.
Jeff Dunham: Wal-mart, huh? What would be your opening line?
Walter: 'Welcome to Wal-mart. Get your s**t and get out. Have a nice day'.
Jeff Dunham: What would you do?
Walter: I want to be a greeter at Wal-mart.
Jeff Dunham: Wal-mart, huh? What would be your opening line?
Walter: 'Welcome to Wal-mart. Get your s**t and get out. Have a nice day'.
The Baptism
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes,Preacher. I sure am."The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked."No, I didn't!" said the drunk.The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?""No, I did not Reverend."The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher..."Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Nov 24, 2009
Religious Boy
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his he! ad. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Nerd Season
A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer filled with computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door reading, "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter at Your Own Risk." He enters the bar and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs him, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says okay, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and now they are in season."You don't even n! eed a license," he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. Remembering what had happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season.""Well, sure," says the patrolman, "but you can't bait 'em."
Populate the Earth
One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth."Adam, you can start by kissing Eve.""Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?""Adam, I now want you to caress Eve.""Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam.God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her.A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?""Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve.""Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam.God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush.A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"
Dead in His Cornflakes
Q: Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?
A: The police thought it was a cereal killer.
A: The police thought it was a cereal killer.
Six-Foot
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?""67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the cop."But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've ! never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?""I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob."What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman."I'm a rectum stretcher!"The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?"Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"
Little Johnny's Halloween
Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"
"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.
"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.
"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own freakin' business."
Seductive Fingers
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy."Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands."Actually, no" he replies."Can you get him for me -- I need to speak to him." She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair."I'm afraid that I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?""Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently."Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
Organs
A prostitute visited a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.Concerned about her friend's welfare, the prostitute went up to the surgeon and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"The doctor replied, "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health, apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"The patient's friend replied, "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?""Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"
Nov 23, 2009
Hunters Must Keep Quiet
Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time and reminds him to be still and keep quiet.
An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe.
"Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve, "and I was quiet when the fox attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"
An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe.
"Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve, "and I was quiet when the fox attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now, I heard one ask the other, 'Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"
Group Photo
Q: Why is it so difficult to take a group photo of a bunch of West Virginians?
A: Because everytime the photographer yells Cheese! they all line up!'
A: Because everytime the photographer yells Cheese! they all line up!'
Workin' Man at the Restaurant
A man with greasy jeans, a flannel shirt, and work boots approaches the headwaiter in an elegant restaurant.
The man says, "Hey buddy, where's your crapper?"
The headwaiter calmly replies, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen,' pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."
The man says, "Hey buddy, where's your crapper?"
The headwaiter calmly replies, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen,' pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."
Take Off My Clothes
My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.
Then she told me to take off her skirt.
Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.
Then she told me to take off her skirt.
Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore.
Nov 22, 2009
Two Blonde Men
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a shit."The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
Celebrity Farting
Shaggy, Shania Twain, and Britney Spears go in a limo to a restaurant. Someone farts and Shaggy says,"Wasn't me!".
Shania Twain says," That don't impress me much."
Britney Spears says,"Oops, I did it again."
The next day they go in a limo to a bar and someone farts. Shaggy says, "Wasn't me!".
Shania Twain says," That don't impress me much."
Britney Spears says, "Stronger than yesterday."
Nov 19, 2009
Confessions
A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."The rabbi had his turn of interrogation: "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate, but..."The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."The two resumed their reading. It was silent for a while.Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
Nov 18, 2009
People in Grass Houses
The king of a small African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut. When an old friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would discover he was a king and treat him differently. He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but to no avail. Finally, he decided to have it wedged up in the ceiling of his hut. When his friend arrived, he went to the hut's opening to greet him. Just then the ceiling started to give way, and the golden throne fell on the king, killing him.
The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.'
The moral of the story is this: People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.'
Victoria's Five-Legged Secret
Did you hear about the woman who has five legs?
Her panties fit her like a glove!
Photo Trap
A motorist gets caught in an automated speed trap that photographs his car.
He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40.
A few days later, he gets a letter from the police department with a picture of handcuffs.
He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40.
A few days later, he gets a letter from the police department with a picture of handcuffs.
Nov 17, 2009
Telephone Operator's Proposal
How did the telephone operator propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring.
A Scotch Expert
A man walked into a bar and ordered a twelve-year old scotch. As the bartender was busy, he decided to serve the guy whatever he had under his hand.
The fellow took a sip, spat it out, and told the bartender, "I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a three year-old one."
When the bartender heard that, he checked the bottle and was amazed that the fellow was right -- he had served him a three-year old scotch. The bartender wanted to see how good the fellow was, so he served him another scotch, this one a six-year old.
The guy had a sip and spat it out, complaining, "I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a six-year old one."
The bartender was surprised by how good this fellow was. So the barman decided to play one more little game. He served the customer a nine-year-old scotch instead of a twelve-year old one as requested.
The fellow had a sip and spat it out, stating, "I think I asked for a twelve-year old sc! otch and not a nine-year old one."
The bartender was very impressed and finally served him the demanded twelve-year-old scotch.
The customer took a sip and added, "This is what I asked in the first place."
At the end of the counter sat a man who had witnessed this scene. He sent a tumbler to the scotch expert and asked him to have a sip.
The fellow did so and spat it out and said, "Good Lord, that's piss."
The other man added, "Now tell me how old I am."
The fellow took a sip, spat it out, and told the bartender, "I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a three year-old one."
When the bartender heard that, he checked the bottle and was amazed that the fellow was right -- he had served him a three-year old scotch. The bartender wanted to see how good the fellow was, so he served him another scotch, this one a six-year old.
The guy had a sip and spat it out, complaining, "I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a six-year old one."
The bartender was surprised by how good this fellow was. So the barman decided to play one more little game. He served the customer a nine-year-old scotch instead of a twelve-year old one as requested.
The fellow had a sip and spat it out, stating, "I think I asked for a twelve-year old sc! otch and not a nine-year old one."
The bartender was very impressed and finally served him the demanded twelve-year-old scotch.
The customer took a sip and added, "This is what I asked in the first place."
At the end of the counter sat a man who had witnessed this scene. He sent a tumbler to the scotch expert and asked him to have a sip.
The fellow did so and spat it out and said, "Good Lord, that's piss."
The other man added, "Now tell me how old I am."
Victorian Ladies
How many Victorian ladies does it take to change a lightbulb?
One hundred.
One to replace the bulb and ninety-nine to contract consumption and die beautiful, poetic deaths.
Bellboy
Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
Nymphomaniac
Jon was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know that she was darn near a nymphomaniac.After six times having sex, she was screaming for more. After the eighth time, Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.On the way out, he stopped into the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find "it."After a couple of minutes fishing around, he finally said, "Look, it's okay. She's not here!"
New Version of Playboy
Q. Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy?
A. It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....
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